


are these my companions, is this my place?

by KatiePaterow



Category: The Order (TV 2019)
Genre: 2x09 coda, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:22:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24897625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatiePaterow/pseuds/KatiePaterow
Summary: Hamish and Vera discuss his "morale problems".
Relationships: Hamish Duke/Vera Stone
Comments: 15
Kudos: 80





	are these my companions, is this my place?

**Author's Note:**

> title from "Invisible Man" by Shovels & Rope

_I don't know who I am anymore._

It always pained him being the estranged one in their group and sometimes seemingly being treated as one of the major causes why everyone is slowly drifting apart. But he's always been their leader and despite the fact that everything **was** changing and that they might think that he's slowly disappearing into the world of The Order, in his heart, he knew who he was. It was sort of a reflex for him, and maybe he should try and stop but putting their feelings above his came so naturally to him. So he didn't say anything. He didn't tell them how hard it was for him, too. He didn't tell them about the internal conflict he fought inside himself all the time.

It was ridiculous, he figured, to be having an existential crisis in the middle of a looming war and _(possibly)_ the impending end of everything but he realized he was and it was no use denying it. He was an adult after all and the le- _former leader_ of the Knights so getting himself in check was of utmost importance to him.

Vera and he planned to meet at her house after the party to "discuss things further". While that might have been a coded message for "let's fuck" for her, as he sat in his car and stared, he knew that things tonight were going towards a different route. He received a text from her stating that she knew he was outside and asked "what he was waiting for". He breathed in and out twice; bracing himself for whatever it was that would come out of his mouth only a few moments from now.

"Is it me?" _And there it was._ If only he was on his right mind, he would have hit himself for wiping the warm smile off her face but he wasn't. He expected her to get mad or defensive or deflect; instead she looked confused- _worried_ even and seemed as if she was waiting for him to continue. "Do you- Do you think I'm broken?"

"Where is this coming from?"

"Is that why you don't want me to go to the raids?" It came off as accusatory even though the intention behind it wasn't.

"And where did you get that idea? Why would I think that you're broken?"

"Because," He paused, needing one to collect his thoughts properly. "I used to be the leader of the Knights and your former enemy and now I seem to have flip-flopped all of a sudden. Not to mention my incompetence when I let myself get kidnapped three months ago."

"Okay." Nodding slowly in understanding, she exhaled loudly " _Okay_." 

"Do you... really think that of yourself?" She trailed off. "That you're somehow- what? Deficient for believing in my leadership? You do, don't you?"

He nodded and averted his gaze from her, slightly embarrassed at his outbursts.

"And despite how much we try to deny it, part of the reason you stayed on was to your advantage, wasn't it? Because you wish to save not only yourselves but also Ms. Bathory when the appropriate time came. Is that a sign of insufficiency? As both an individual and a leader?"

"I guess not." She almost smiles, satisfied in the response.

"And about that last one? How could you ever think that that single, _horrible_ incident made you lesser? That only proved that you aren't invincible which, believe me, is a good thing to realize but it never proved you to be incompetent." 

She let out a sigh, seeming as if she came to a decision she wasn't anticipating she'd make. "I'm gonna say this now, but never again. I chose you to stay back and do the researching because as much as I trusted your strength as a wolf, I acknowledge the strength you have as an intellect. That to me was what I needed you to be. If The Order needed a wolf, they had two other ones they could depend on. Also, I needed- _need_ someone... I could trust completely. You're the only one."

And after that, overcome with so much emotion, Hamish lunged towards Vera, kissing her and wrapping his arms around her tightly as he lead her towards the now familiar bedroom to do exactly what it was they planned to do in the first place.

As they lay down, panting in the aftermath of their lovemaking, he looked at her gratefully. "Was I ridiculous?"

"Perhaps." With the usual small smile grazing her lips, she almost sounded playful and teasing. Almost.

"I guess I just feel like I'm losing everything I hold dear and I'm afraid." They never usually do this, but he went for it anyway because he needs her to understand what exactly it is that he's going through. He certainly doesn't recognize the reason why yet, but he does and he definitely doesn't want her thinking that this was going to be a common occurrence. 

"Trust me; you're never going to lose them." She murmured as she rubbed at his shoulder. That was absolutely not something he thought would be said by her.

"How do you know that?"

"How do you not?"

"Good point." A slight grin appears on his face, finally feeling the tiniest bit of relief after weeks of contemplating his morals and himself.

And it undoubtedly was a good point. Because whatever the future held for all of them, as Jack toasted to almost a year ago, they were _family_. And nothing was ever gonna change that.

**Author's Note:**

> I realize that this might be a reach, but somehow I connected the dots this way and now I can't get the idea out of my head. Hope y'all enjoy it! Might write some more about this couple just bc I don't see a lot of fics about them yet. If there are any mistakes I failed to notice, that's due to this being severely rushed since it's now 3 am where I am right now, so I'm sorry. But yeah, have fun! Leave your thoughts and whatever y'all wanna leave.


End file.
